hot girls don't typo

Alaska Airlines Gourmet Party Mix Review

Dear Bill Ayer,

Hello. My name is Cody and I recently flew on your airline from Seattle, WA to San Jose, CA (not the damn Philippines). I came across your information in the publication simply titled “Alaska Airlines”. Where’d you come up with such a unique name for your in-flight magazine? Great stuff. Also, what were you doing in March that was keeping you so busy you had to assign Steve Jarvis, VP of Marketing, to write the “Spirit of Alaska” editorial? Lazy stuff. I’m sorry for the rambling; please allow me to get the point.

I’m writing you in regard to your Alaska Airlines Gourmet Party Mix that was given to me on board flight 332. As Chairman and CEO, I know you’re a man of class and discerning taste. I can tell from your wicked nice sweater you clearly aren’t joking around whatsoever in your photo. I imagine you’re the perfect balance of Frasier Crane and Brett Favre. Like the latter, I’ll bet you wouldn’t even shy away from wearing a pair of Wrangler jeans because you know it’s a man’s character, not his jeans, that make him who he is. All that said – I’m confused. I ate my entire serving of mini pretzel twists, barbecue corn sticks, and cheddar cheese squares and I’m fairly certain your cultured palate would agree there was nothing gourmet about what was in that bag.

If the three items in the package were the final entrees prepared by Iron Chef Bobby Flay, then the secret ingredient of the day was: Below Average! In your defense, this probably wasn’t the case as they didn’t taste like they were burnt on a grill (not that they had any flavor). This is saying something coming from me, a guy who once put White Castle cheeseburgers on a slice of pepperoni pizza just to give it that “little bit of extra.” As for the “party” notation in the moniker, well, you throw some kind of shitty parties. Again, added weight here, I once had a birthday party at Hardees. Bill, these guys are offering a Texas Toast Breakfast Sandwich. I’m not exactly sure if I have to capitalize those words or not, but I’m going to out of respect.

Thank You

Final Score: 1/5 Aaron Pierces