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That blue canister. That yellow lid. Never before have the sizes, both serving and family, meant less. Planters Cheez Balls were my all-time favorite snack when I was little. The reason for this was their boisterously exciting taste that I imagine could only be topped by two Batmans - maybe. In many ways the Planters snack lineup served as my first erection, long before I had any idea that girls didn’t have penises. I had been looking extensively for either the Cheez Balls or Cheez Curls for probably eight years or so now. Compliments of the clearance bin at the upper Queen Anne Blockbuster - that search is now over, eight times over to be precise.

I may have noticed during the arrangement of the photo that they expired in January. I don’t care. This changes nothing. Did Jason Bourne pussy out at the end of The Boune Ultimatum when he finally discovered that he became Badass Exhibit A simply by volunteering? Hell no. He jumped out a damn window. I have no choice but to do the same thing and it will happen without any real noti