Earlier tonight I was walking through the Seattle Center when this young woman caught my eye near the fountain. She was the type of lovely that was far too intangibly exquisite to overlook. When I made my way closer to her it was undeniable that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. I had to talk to her. I fell in love with this girl, the loveliest of all the girls, by the fountain. All of my natural timidness and fear went somewhere outside of me. I started to walk up to my love. I took five steps towards her when I found myself close enough to notice something new - the fact that she was crying. At this moment I realized that hers were the saddest tears ever wept. I then noticed a pile of meat behind her and I got really, really excited because I love that shit. How could I have missed all of this wonderful meat sitting in the middle of the Seattle Center?

The first meat I noticed was a pile of exquisitely seasoned pork chops. They looked super good. Very moist. Mmmmmm. A feathery wind blew through the park and the beautiful girl’s hair danced. Then my peepers took in the bacon sitting not a foot, maybe a foot and a half from the pork chops. This wasn’t the turkey bacon that pussies eat either, this was, much like the chops, pork. Boo-yah. At this point the plan formulating in my head was: kiss the girl, eat pork chops, then eat bacon. It was going to be similar to the Valkyrie plan, only successful and far more delicious. Now, when Plan A fails you to go to Plan B, not Plan A recycled. I learned this from 24 and had to use it immediately when I saw a third meat: prime rib. My new plan was eat all three meats and now kiss her twice, but it doesn’t really matter as I think she left somewhere along the way.