October 2009
2 posts
d money, the very best of III
Cody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cW-_8LzLfc I want you to enjoy that.
Dave: Are you stereotyping my enjoyment of the northern lights because I'm super-white? Way to be racist, Cody. Way to be racist.
Cody: Are you super white? Can't say I've thought that.
Dave: Pretty much as European as they come.
Cody: Two shay. I honestly thought you were black the first time I met you. After you guys left I called Carly and asked, "Was that guy black?" She said probably not, but she wasn't sure.
Dave: After I played Rock Band? You are TERRIBLE at stereotyping, sir.
Cody: I'm not good.
September 2009
4 posts
July 2009
1 post
June 2009
4 posts
transformers 3: you're the man now, dog
This past weekend I indulged in some Telephone Pictionary*. For my quote I chose to reach for the skies - the Finding Forrester skies. Ironic how a quote first used to reach across barriers and differences ended up, oh, not so much doing that.
*The rules: Person 1 starts with a quote/saying and passes it to Person 2 who then draws out the quote/saying. Person 2 then...
the brilliance of sloomie VI
Cody: Dennis Haysbert is MY black president. Shaun: Do you have Allstate insurance? Cody: No. Shaun: Why not? Cody: Cause I have Progressive and it’s cheap as hell, $391 for 6 months I pay I think. Shaun: But they don’t have The Haysbert Factor. Cody: True… but they have the unattractive brunette. Shaun: Does she tweet? Cody: Probably. I mean, fuck, look at her. That’s the...
May 2009
9 posts
the brilliance of sloomie V: Terminator 2 viewing
Shaun: I wish Carl Winslow had played this security guard.
Cody: Carl Winslow doesn't play ALL black security guards and cops.
Shaun: But he should.
Cody: Most of them? Sure. But all? That's a dirty stereotype. Does Hank from The Office bother you?
Shaun: TV shows are fine for other actors, but i feel VelJohnson has the movie roles locked down for himself.
Cody: The man owned the 80s. If that piece of equipment was worked on for so many years, why is it just lying on a table?
Shaun: They had computers hooked up to it earlier, probably didn't want to disconnect it every night. They have a non-VelJohnson security guard keeping an eye on it, that's their main problem.
WatchDo I enjoy it when people read Hot Girls? Well of course I do, it’s the name of the game. This applies to nearly everybody except for the one asshole who discovered my neck of the Internet by Yahooing “hot girls” from the General Motors Corporation. First of all, congratulations on using Yahoo for anything besides fantasy sports, you’re officially retarded. Second,...
“KIM BAUER IS ON FIRE!”
– Me, as messaged to Sloomie via our chat during 24. As somebody that used to schedule their college classes around the Jack Bauer Power Hour only to get accosted square in the chops with the helpless Canuck’s legendary stupidity season after season; Christmas came early with her set ablaze....
April 2009
6 posts
the original idea for the RE5 review -aka- airport...
Chris Redfield: …KICK YOUR F---ING ASS!
Sheva Alomar: Chris, Chris –
Chris: I want you off the f---ing battlefield you prick!
Sheva: Chris, I'm sorry.
Chris: No, don't just be sorry; think for one f---ing second. What the f--- are you DOING!? Are you professional or not?
Sheva: Yes I am.
Chris: Do I f---ing walk around and stand in –
Bruce: Chris, Chris –
Chris: No, shut the fuck up, Bruce! Do I want - no! No! Don't shut me up.
Bruce: I'm not shutting you up.
Chris: Am I going to walk around and stand in your f---ing line of sight, in the middle of a firefight? Then why the f--- are you walking right through? Ah da da dah, like this in the background. What the f--- is it with you? What don't you f---ing understand?
Sheva: (inaudible)
Chris: You got any f---ing idea about, hey, it's f---ing distracting having somebody walking on through my laser sight in the middle of the f---ing head shot alignment? Give me a f---ing answer! What don't you get about it?
Sheva: I was looking at the zombies.
Chris: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was f---ing good, because they shambled away now, didn’t they?
Sheva: Ok.
Chris: F----sake woman, you're amateur. Capcom, you got f---ing something to say to this prick?
Capcom: I didn't see it happen.
Chris: Well, somebody should be f---ing watching and keeping an eye on her.
Capcom: Fair enough.
Chris: It's the second time that she doesn't give a f--- about what is going on during my heroics, alright? I'm trying to f---ing slay the undead, and I am going "Why the f--- is Sheva walking in there? What is she doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not in the fight if you're doing that?
Sheva: I absolutely apologize. I'm sorry, I did not mean anything by it.
Chris: Stay off the f---ing battlefield woman. For f----sake. Alright, let's go again.
Capcom: Let's just take a minute.
Chris: Let's not take a f---ing minute, let's go again. And not have YOU f---ing walking in! Can I have Tom reload me please?
Bruce: Can I have Tom in weaponry please? Can I have Tom in weaponry?
Chris: You're unbelievable woman, you're un-f---ing-believable. Number of times you're strolling-a-f---ing around in the background. I've never had a partner behave like this. Ehhh…you don't f---ing understand what it's like working with heroes, that's what that is.
Sheva: No, that's –
Chris: That's what that is woman, I'm telling you. I'm not asking, I'm telling you. You wouldn't have done that otherwise.
Sheva: No, what it is, is looking at the zombies and making sure, that you are, ugh –
Chris: I'M GOING TO F---ING KICK YOUR F---ING ASS IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! ALRIGHT?
Unknowns: Chris, Chris. It's cool.
Chris: I'm going to go…Do you want me to f---ing go block your aiming? DO YOU WANT ME TO F---ING BLOCK IT? Then why are you blocking my aim?
Sheva: I'm not trying to block your aim.
Chris: You are blocking my aim!
Sheva: Chris, I was only –
Chris: You do it one more f---ing time and I ain't tracking down this bioweapon if you're still hired. I'm f---ing serious. You're a nice girl. You're a nice girl, but that don't f---ing cut it when you're bullshitting and f---ing around like this on pursuit.
Capcom: Alright, I know, let's, let's — (inaudible) –
Chris: Yeah, you might get it. She doesn't f---ing get it.
Capcom: I got it, I know. I get it. I get it. I know.
Chris: You might. She. Does. Not. Get It.
Capcom: We made good adjustments. For real, honestly. I get it. Just walk for five seconds.
Chris: No, I don't need any f---ing walking. She needs to stop walking.
Capcom: I get that –
Chris: I ain't the one walking. Let's get Tom and reload my weapon and let's go again. Seriously woman, you and me, we're f---ing done professionally. F---ing ass.
the brilliance of sloomie IV
Cody: I don't see the premise of the new movie Obsessed.
Shaun: The lady is obsessed with the guy.
Cody: If Ali Larter wanted me to put my skin thunder in her it's not like I would run in the opposite direction.
Shaun: Even if she was insane and wanted to kill your family?
Cody: Well I don't have a family so I'd be clear. And if the insanity translated into bedroom moves that might break off my weener, you know.
Shaun: Well sure, it would be fine for you, but I don't think the guy in the movie is in your situation. Also, maybe she has an STD. That might partially explain his reluctance.
Cody: Yeah, but these days all Beyonce does is play with her new Nintendo DSi. I would need some womanly attention.
Shaun: Where did the Beyonce reference come from?
Cody: Because she's his wife in the movie and she's also in those new Nintendo DSi commercials.
Shaun: Ah, I didn't realize she was in it.
Cody: Yeah. She is. And now you've ruined this line of dialogue.
Shaun: I apologize.
March 2009
12 posts
an introduction to sloomie 101
Hello, loyal readers.
Actually, I don’t think loyalty is a prerequisite for reading this blog, so welcome to all non-loyal readers as well! As the newest member of the Hot Girls staff, you may be wondering who I am. I’m Shaun, aka Sloomie. You may know me from the award-winning series “The Brilliance of Sloomie,” where Cody has taken a few of our private correspondences and completely...
“Why in the fuck would I mean San Jose, Philippines?!”
– Me, when trying to book a flight to visit my friend Shaun from “the brilliance of sloomie” series of posts. Never before since the invention of intentions has anybody not meant anything harder. I don’t even know where the Philippines are - but I’m willing to do some research....
“(drags open palmed hand down across his face) Yes I have.”
– The COO/VP at work, when asked if he had seen the legendary film Face/Off.
click here for the saddest phone call ever made →
If Alexander Graham Bell could go back and do it all over again with access to this information, I’m pretty sure he does the exact opposite of inventing the telephone. Hey IMDb, if I’m not mistaken you have an office in Seattle. I woke up this morning and my biceps were looking exceptionally good after a long night of the muscle tissue tearing down (greatest hyperlink ever…...
“Don’t fight it.”
– Jackward M. Bauer, as per just now. His signature phrase during a choke-out just got unleashed once again at 8:15 PM, this time on Bill “Beardy” Buchanan.
February 2009
9 posts
love the girl, always love the girl
Earlier tonight I was walking through the Seattle Center when this young woman caught my eye near the fountain. She was the type of lovely that was far too intangibly exquisite to overlook. When I made my way closer to her it was undeniable that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. I had to talk to her. I fell in love with this girl, the loveliest of all the girls, by the...
WatchTonight holds the final hour of funny on NBC from 12:35-1:35AM during the week until Jimmy Fallon dies, quits or gets replaced.
d money, the very best of II
Cody: You ever seriously ponder deleting Facebook friends only because they are ugly as shit?
Dave: I Facebook-banned a kid from high school because he tried to re-add me after I deleted him because he was ugly as shit.
Cody: I like the way you took it to the next level. I'm in that same boat, I accepted this kid from school with whom I was never actual friends with, we haven't talked in a decade and I'm sick of seeing his ugly mug.
Dave: Eject the mofo.
Cody: Should I give him a chance and send a message that says something like, "Stop being such a damn eyesore?"
Dave: That would also be acceptable.
Cody: It might be a moot point to do so. If I were to delete him, I think he would know EXACTLY why.
Dave: There's nothing preventing you from doing both... "I'm deleting you because every time I see your face I want to die."
Cody: I really do though! (links to photo) No clue if that will load for you, but this is what we're looking at.
Dave: His name is X? What kind of idiot names their kid X?
Cody: Is that kid not ugly as fuck?
Dave: I can only see a tiny little picture, so I only want to throw up a little bit.
Cody: Well his real name is X, but he took the extra dick move to make a silly name - on top of the ugly.
Dave: Is it bad that I'm considering de-friending you because you haven't de-friended this kid already?
Cody: D Money - I wouldn't fault you in the least. When I see you on Tuesday I would be inclined to give you some money out of my wallet.
step it up, meeters of Chris Hansen
So I found myself shamelessly taking in a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond on TBS after work today. While watching I thought to myself, “Hmmm… it’s been a few years or so since this show went off the air. I wonder if the actress who played the daughter has had anything resembling a career since then.” After a quick Googling of her no doubt misspelled name I came...
this is what facebook is for II
Cody: I would go back in time and abort you.
Michael: No - you!
Cody: I'm kidding, but you were all dick. Go make me a Chicken Kiev.
Michael: I never kid abortion. I fucking love it.
Cody: I love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, I had no idea you were a fan, he's so charismatic.
Michael: He's my favorite.
Cody: Does he ever make you relabel your straightness as "kinda bendy"?
Michael: He bends it right over.
Cody: HEYOO!
Michael: OOOOO
January 2009
16 posts
Kelly Clarkson 1, The Beatles -34 →
Even though half of them are dead it constantly amazes me that The Beatles consistently find new ways to totally suck ass. It has to be embarrassing for them to get obliterated talent-wise year after year by Kelly Clarkson, the most talented musician ever. Don’t be surprised if her new album solves the global financial crisis, yes, this being in addition to becoming the highest selling and...
“You’re a genius!”
– Clearwire rep Justin Thompson, via a story in his sales pitch. He claimed he helped a customer put his account on hold when this dude moved to Australia. Evidently the guy was so enamored with the service that he sent Justin a postcard from down under stating said quote. No this did not happen. I...
“I’m watching this documentary you should look into, it’s called 24.”
– My co-worker’s dad’s friend as asked of said co-worker, in a shockingly strong showing of being really stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I love 24 as much as the next person, but I highly doubt this is real. You’re going to tell me that Jack Bauer has done all that he has over...